The following occurred between 10am and 11am yesterday...

All good tradesmen MUST be able to sniff out a local cafe. If you can't, then you need a new job.

I set upon this task yesterday. I was following my nose. I could smell toast and I could smell chip oil, but my nose lead me totally the wrong way. I was doubting my 'tradesman' title, until i found 2 cafes in quick succession. One looked a bit posh, so I went in the other.

A good cafe is usually very busy between 10 and 11, but this one wasn't. Still, it was Friday and it's the law to go to the 'caff'. After sitting down, a foreign chap (I am guessing Albanian) asked what I'd like to drink. He actually said 'you drink?'. 'Coffee please Derek'(I have to call people Derek). He did well with the coffee. Credit where it's due, it arrived quickly and safely.....

'you want eat food?'

'yes please, can I have a cheese and mushroom omelette, chips and beans, ta'

'ok'

He wrote this down (I think), so I sat and read The Sun (well the Dear Deidre section) until another foreign fella appears and puts a plate in front of me; a plate hosting a ham and mushroom omelette and peas.

I explained to the fella that i ordered a cheese and mushroom omelette, chips and beans. His mate, who took the order then said something in foreign, and he took the plate away.

He reappeared about 2 minutes later with the same plate, with the same omelette on (which now has grated cheese on it) and beans. The dude who took the order told me I wouldn't be charged for the ham. But, as this was STILL not what I asked for, I sent it back.

Eventually they got it right (beans were cold and it was generally a bit shit, but I ate it anyway). After paying the man (£6.40 if you're interested - I had a can of Diet Coke too), I stepped out of the cafe and took about two steps before a rasta dude on a mountain bike altered his direction to ride over to me.

He stopped right in front of me and said, in very loud voice (though not quite a shout), 'Fucking Honky!'

He then rode off, as I started having hysterics.

My first experience of racial abuse. I was called a fucking honky by an angry rasta dude, and it made my day!

The end