A letter to Fabio Capello

Dear Mr Capello,

I would just like to confirm that I AM available for selection for England duty, should I be required. It would be an honour to represent my country.

Being an English goalkeeper with the ability to throw the ball in to the back of my own net, I feel I am suitably qualified to fill the vacant goalkeeping slot. You may have heard I am carrying an injury, but my doctor told me not to worry about it as my leg as a whole is strong enough the cope with a battered knee. Don't worry about getting the team doctors to give a second opinion, as I feel fit and ready to go. And I totally trust my doctor (I think his name was Michael Mouse?)

If you would like to contact my club manager, I'm sure he will confirm my ability and justify my selection. He will also be able to tell you that I can play in a number of positions (including physio), am good to have in the dressing room and that my water bottle filling abilities are up there with the best. His name is Karl Rolls. Im sure you can call him Barrel, though.

I hope you are well and you enjoyed your holiday. You must've needed it after all the stress of that battle with everyone else in England. You know, the one where we all KNEW we should be playing 4-5-1 with Gerrard in the hole behind Rooney, and you knew we were right but didn't want to admit defeat?

Anyway, I hope you take this letter seriously. I am more than willing to accept a call from Franco Baldini if you're too busy (like you was with Scholesy). A nod's a nod, no matter where it comes from!

Regards

Damien Hopkins